i am.....
the forgotten,
the forsaken,
the unloved,
the used,

i'm tired.....
of the feelings of inadequacy,
of realizing over and over again that i'll never be good enough
of feeling like i don't measure up
of thinking it's all my fault

i just...
want to breath
want to really laugh again from deep down
want to find me
want to be let loose from your gravity

but time again.....
i find myself falling right back to the starting point
taking two steps forward and then five back
wishing time could or would rewind
remembering the days of old

yes.....
it is getting better
i am starting to let go
i'm scared
i have rainy days

but through it all.....
You are still God
You are still sovereign
You are still holding me
You are still loving me

i will....
trust You
praise You
seek You
LOVE YOU

Sometimes, the toughest part is letting go
learning to be you without the other half
learning to leave love and memories behind
learning how to breath when it feels like you're suffocating
learning how to float when all you want to do is drown
learning to be happy in the midst of tears
learning to let it all go and truly be ok.

All that is left is the memories
we are but a remnant of the people we once were
changed by time and circumstances
the love we once shared has now become nothing but a dream
a wish upon a star that isn't falling

daddy came in the store tonight.
he NEVER goes to the grocery store.
he did tonight.
he came to see me.
it made me smile.
i love him. :)

so i wrote this poem about the orphans we met while in rwanda a couple summers ago.
just thought i would share.
it's hard to get the faces out of my head. they invade my thoughts and dreams. some of the smallest things trigger their memory. and to be quite honest, i never want to forget.
Rwandan Orphan

She was afraid of the dream in which she so frequently found herself
Those one hundred days
Each miserable moment being relived night after night
Every hateful slash of men's machetes tearing and ripping lives apart
She flinches and tries to suppress the screams as her parents blood pools from their mutilated bodies
She attempts to shake herself, desperately trying to escape the horrendous nightmare She vividly remembers those frightening days as if they had happened only yesterday
She wonders how long it will go on
For twelve years now she has dreaded the night knowing that she will once again have to enter that prison of fear
She longs for the night when she will actually be able to dream again
She wishes for the day when she will be able to hope once more
But this morning, as most mornings, she drags her mattress out yet again and hangs it on the line to dry.

"For God so LOVED the world that he gave his only son...."